After a brief hiatus I came back to this blog and found that it had gotten over 10,000 views since I had written the entry post. So back by popular demand I am proud to continue the Don’t Date Babe of the Week with the seductive Poison Ivy. Flowers are pretty and Poison Ivy is no exception, when she isn’t terrorizing Gotham or trying to feed orphans to plants in an effort to save nature, you can often find her lounging around the internet looking something like this:
So why would you turn down this lovely leafy lady for a salad toss? I mean she is sexy, smart, sterile, and she is an archvillainess to batman which alone gives me a halfy. Well my poor naive misinformed casual acquaintance let me tell you.
1. Shes all natural-
Like many hippies that came before her, Poison Ivy is not to keen on bathing and has been untouched by razor. As a plant/sex goddess hybrid she soaks in water but the chemicals in soap would damage her delicate leafs, and thus we have a women who smells like someone who rolls around in dirt all day and has BO built up from decades of sweaty battles with Gotham s Finest. Okay so you are a smarty pants and say wait up Colton, are you some kind of noob or something, she can release fragrances and smell fantastic. Well you sir seriously need to A. Get a girlfriend and B. Realize that covering up a smell is different from removing it. Think about the bacholor days of many college youth, they have no time to bath, they have beer pong play and finals to fail. So they pour on gallons and gallons Axe Body Spray trying to hide the fact that they have been stewing in booze and hookers all night. How effective is this, none. Instead of boozes and hookers you know smell like booze, hookers, and gallons of cologne. Ivy is the same, there is that hint of roses, but there is also the overwhelming stench of decaying plant matter.
Another thing to consider is that she doesn’t shave…..her armpits, yeah we will go with that. Now I am not saying armpits have to be sexy, in fact armpit porn is my 3rd least favorite kind of porn; however, armpits also shouldnt be forests where aphids and Voltron knows what else reside. You might be able to over look it now but wait till she gets older and the beard starts coming in.
2. Kiss of Death-
Women can do wonderful things with their mouth,( yes feminist I include talking as well, as long is it is about dinner and they are still in the confines of the kitchen) Poison Ivy can kill people with hers. Depending on the back story she either secretes or constantly wears deadly poison on her lips. Why would she wear poison lipstick? Well it isn’t because her name is Poison Ivy, if that was the case she would give you an itchy venereal disease; no it is because she knows that she is hot and she likes to kill men. A standard date would go something like the following: You meet up for a romantic picnic under the stars, she asks you if you got her that super serum that makes plants grow 9001 times bigger, you say “of course my sweet”, she releases spores that make you want to mash her mouth( like she needs them), you kiss her, you die, she laughs and takes over the world.
3. She is Batshit Insane for Plants-
I want you to go to the mirror, do you have green rubbery leafs, roots that dig deep into the soil, or budding flowers coming out of your stems? If you answered yes to any of these questions then you are a plant and I am terrified as fuck that you can not only read but use the internet; if you answered no, then I am relieved but Poison Ivy is going to be as dry as the Sahara Desert around you. She obsessed with plants, so much so that many of her targets for crimes( read as face rape of death as explained above) are only guilty of harming the environment in some way. If she had to choose between a tree and you, she’ll kill you then go dry hump the tree for an hour. The only reason she keeps men around at all is that she has the ability to control the weak minded so that they can help her protect her plants. Why is she like this? Well because she has a hyper active immune system, she cant have any children; so her plants are her children. This means that if you accidentally step on a flower, at best you are taking a cold shower, at worst your fed to her real loves. She is like a crazy cat lady, only instead of cats she has plants and vines that would make even someone with a tentacle porn fetish think twice. Trust me the crazy, homicidal girls are trouble.
This concludes our: A Comic Book Nerd’s Don’t Date Babe of the Week, if you have a vixen you want to be next or if you just want to rant feel free to comment below.