Tag Archives: Date

A Comic Book Nerd’s Don’t Date Babe of the Week: Poison Ivy

After a brief hiatus I came back to this blog and found that it had gotten over 10,000 views since I had written the entry post. So back by popular demand I am proud to continue the Don’t Date Babe of the Week with the seductive Poison Ivy. Flowers are pretty and Poison Ivy is no exception, when she isn’t terrorizing Gotham or trying to feed orphans to plants in an effort to save nature, you can often find her lounging around the internet looking something like this:

Mother Earth is after all the ultimate MILF

So why would you turn down this lovely leafy lady for a salad toss? I mean she is sexy, smart, sterile, and she is an archvillainess to batman which alone gives me a halfy. Well my poor naive misinformed casual acquaintance let me tell you.

1. Shes all natural-

Like many hippies that came before her, Poison Ivy is not to keen on bathing and has been untouched by razor. As a plant/sex goddess hybrid she soaks in water but the chemicals in soap would damage her delicate leafs, and thus we have a women who smells like someone who rolls around in dirt all day and has BO built up from decades of sweaty battles with Gotham s Finest. Okay so you are a smarty pants and say wait up Colton, are you some kind of noob or something, she can release fragrances and smell fantastic. Well you sir seriously need to  A. Get a girlfriend and B. Realize that covering up a smell is different from removing it. Think about the bacholor days of many college youth, they have no time to bath, they have beer pong play and finals to fail. So they pour on gallons and gallons Axe Body Spray trying to hide the fact that they have been stewing in booze and hookers all night. How effective is this, none. Instead of boozes and hookers you know smell like booze, hookers, and gallons of cologne. Ivy is the same, there is that hint of roses, but there is also the overwhelming stench of decaying plant matter. 

Another thing to consider is that she doesn’t shave…..her armpits, yeah we will go with that. Now I am not saying armpits have to be sexy, in fact armpit porn is my 3rd least favorite kind of porn; however, armpits also shouldnt be forests where aphids and Voltron knows what else reside. You might be able to over look it now but wait till she gets older and the beard starts coming in.

2. Kiss of Death-

Women can do wonderful things with their mouth,( yes feminist I include talking as well, as long is it is about dinner and they are still in the confines of the kitchen) Poison Ivy can kill people with hers. Depending on the back story she either secretes or constantly wears deadly poison on her lips. Why would she wear poison lipstick? Well it isn’t because her name is Poison Ivy, if that was the case she would give you an itchy venereal disease; no it is because she knows that she is hot and she likes to kill men. A standard date would go something like the following: You meet up for a romantic picnic under the stars, she asks you if you got her that super serum that makes plants grow 9001 times bigger, you say “of course my sweet”, she releases spores that make you want to mash her mouth( like she needs them), you kiss her, you die, she laughs and takes over the world.

Lets also not forget her Jailbait superpower that can send you to get raped by scary men in prison for 15 years

3.  She is Batshit Insane for Plants-

I want you to go to the mirror, do you have green rubbery leafs, roots that dig deep into the soil, or budding flowers coming out of your stems? If you answered yes to any of these questions then you are a plant and I am terrified as fuck that you can not only read but use the internet; if you answered no, then I am relieved but Poison Ivy is going to be as dry as the Sahara Desert around you. She obsessed with plants, so much so that many of her targets for crimes( read as face rape of death as explained above) are only guilty of harming the environment in some way. If she had to choose between a tree and you, she’ll kill you then go dry hump the tree for an hour. The only reason she keeps men around at all is that she has the ability to control the weak minded so that they can help her protect her plants. Why is she like this? Well because she has a hyper active immune system, she cant have any children; so her plants are her children. This means that if you accidentally step on a flower,  at best you are taking a cold shower, at worst your fed to her real loves. She is like a crazy cat lady, only instead of cats she has plants and vines that would make even someone with a tentacle porn fetish think twice.  Trust me the crazy, homicidal girls are trouble.

This concludes our:  A Comic Book Nerd’s Don’t Date Babe of the Week, if you  have a vixen you want to be next or if you just want to rant feel free to comment below.


A Comic Book Nerd’s Don’t Date Babe of the Week: Mystique

Many a nerd has fantasized about their favorite comic book babe and the wonderful sweet love that could be make with them; while perusing the many forums around the web I have found that some go as far as thinking that many of these femme fatales would make execellent girlfriends or wives There are plenty of sites on the net that offer up the sexiest and most desirable of plentiful stock of comic book babes but only us here at The Data Feed have the balls of steel to tell you how it is, and what bad babes to avoid. So in case you suddenly get a genie, reality warping powers, or consume copious amounts of LSD read up,  because week after week we will making you think twice about your secret fantasy relationship with the girl of your dreams. Which brings us to……

I have thought about it.....trust me


I know what you are thinking what could possibly be wrong with a sexy blue women who could turn into any of your other nerdy fantasy babes on a whim? Why dear god would any man turn down the esteemed chance to be a father in-law to Nightcrawler, one of the most badass mutants to ever wear the leotard? Well my poor, confused, inquisitive friend let me tell you.

1. She hates you-
As a leading member of The Brotherhood of Mutants, she has a love for mutants and a fairly keen hatred for everyone else. Chances are that you my fine sir are not an member of the badass gene pool that spawns the kinda man that makes her all hot and bothered. Mystique even formed her only little happy band of evil mutants with the goal of killing off humans and instigating the glorious revival of mutant kind. If Mystique’s glaring hatred and disgust of your mundane, non-mutant DNA is not to deflate your um..”vast ego” ; keep in mind that it standard practice for her to lure you in with her sexy ways, kill you, then steal your appearance. If she would please instead of tease, I am sure plenty a man would still consider it a win; but why die when all you get is a little boob at best?

2. She is old and hot, You’ll get old and die-

I have nothing against the granny lovers in the audience, in fact it is you fine gentleman that keep the senior citizens busy while we play on their lawn. Mystique has been alive for centuries, and before someone mentions the experience in certain areas she must have acquired, I want you to think about it. Mystique can change her appearance so will always be a smoking hot piece of tail, you however


come give daddy a kiss Mystique!

will get old and unappealing. Now unless she is your bound, unwilling slave your sagging physique will not keep her entertained for long. This too might not seem all that bad, you get 10 years of hotness then she is gone; wait. what. what happened to all the other men she has had in the past? Well they have a tendency to die horrible brutal deaths when Mystique gets bored and goes looking for a younger stud. To be fair they aren’t all her fault, but still “horrible brutal deaths”

3. She can always test you-

Say you are out having dinner at some fancy eatery(Buffalo Wild Wings) with a group of friends and enemies that you have invited so that you could show off your stellar babe( stellars still cool right, right) when all of a sudden a cute waitress walks by and you turn your head. Nothing escapes the hawk like gaze of Mystique and later that during lunch when you go to bathroom the waitress rushes you and leans in close for a kiss. With the waitress oozing sexuality and with you being a man, your other head does the thinking and you kiss her. As you do the waitress turns into a royally ticked off Mystique, and your neck gets snapped. This is just one example, you would never be able to talk to anyone about anything without having to wonder if it is really her in disguise. The bro you ranted to about her need to wear baby skulls all the time, yeah that was Mystique, and she is pissed. She has what almost every other girl want to have:  the ability to know what you think about her, and if given a hot perfect situation if you would give in to temptation. Maybe you would always be faithful and true, so the slew of sexy girls vying for a hot piece of you wouldn’t turn you, but even then you still don’t know if one of the guys is actually your women.

4. If you make her mad she can not only kill you, but scar you for life-
If you think that your girlfriend mess with your psyche now, just give them the ability to make your worse fears come alive. Some women withhold sex if they are miffed at you, not Mystique; she will lay you down by the fire, get all sexy, and when the ocean is about to be in motion- turn into a 400lb pound tub of sweaty man meat or maybe your mother or grandmother or the creepy clown who touched you at summer camp( repress, repress). Get the point? Lets do show and tell-

From Super Sexy Babe to "OMG burn it with Fire!!!"





This, in your bed, she is still caressing your earlobe with her mouth, asking if you like her cooking now!






That concludes our first Don’t Date Babe of the Week, would you still date her? Got an Idea for next week? Disagree with a part of the post? Want to tell me go to hell? Then leave a comment below!